It’s almost 2am, and I’m unable to sleep. I just can’t stop thinking about the people I love in Kenya. It’s almost 9am there, and the kids are in school. In about thirty minutes the children in school at Segera Mission will get their porridge for the day. My kids in class one are learning English right now and will study math soon. Oh how I miss them so much!
I’m struggling with what to do with all these thoughts and feelings. How do I turn these longings to be with people I love in Kenya into productive thoughts and actions in America? A missionary in Ecuador who was killed by the people he was trying to share the gospel with, Jim Elliot, a man I respect greatly for his love for the Lord once said, “wherever you are, be all there.” How do I do that? How to I live fully here when so much of my heart is with the people in Kenya?
My first few days home, all I could do was cry. I wasn’t crying because I was missing people in of Kenya (although I do miss them) but I was crying because I just couldn’t get over how blessed I am. And so many of my blessings are just because I was born in this family and in this country. I have a new and much deeper appreciation for my good health and the easy access we have to health care. The fact that I have bandaids and Neosporin in my room and don’t have to walk 4km just to get a wound cleaned is a HUGE blessing!! I will never be able to thank my family enough for the over abundance of love I’ve received from them!! When I first got home I couldn’t talk to any family members on the phone without crying at the end of the conversation- crying from being overwhelmed by their love for me! I can never complain about studying for a test again after I’ve seen how much so many kids would give just to make it into high school in Kenya.
What Lord??? I don’t understand! I don’t understand why have I been blessed with an overabundance of love! I don’t understand why I’ve been given this good health and incredible education. Why me??
Sometimes it’s really hard to accept these blessings after I’ve seen a whole other side of living. (This was a big struggle my first week back. I spent my first 24 hours back in America crying because I didn’t understand what to even do with these thoughts and realizations.)
I don’t know a lot yet. I don’t know answers to many of the questions and thoughts that I’m wrestling with.
But I am learning to embrace the tears: to embrace feeling overwhelmed by these blessings and then to turn them into praise to the Giver of them all! I’m learning this is all apart of “growing pains.” I’m learning to keep asking “What now Lord?” but being okay when He takes awhile to answer (because He’ll answer in His time.) I do recognize that I have a big responsibility now: to much is given, much is demanded in return (Luke 12:48). I have been given so much; so now my daily question is what can I give back today, Lord? It’s an honor and a privilege, never an obligation to give back to the Lord. I’m learning daily what this looks like in small ways. I understand better that He’s after the process of my transformation not just my end result.
I’ve been fighting apathy: apathy because it’s easy to become comfortable and complacent the minute that I put all my focus on myself instead of upward, on the Lord. And it’s much easier to be too focused in myself in America: in a culture where everything is about “me.” We make it all about ourselves here. So how do I fight against this strong current of self-centeredness?
On a retreat with my church in Columbia, the head pastor once said, “You know people today are the most generous people I’ve ever met. People will give away all their money for a great cause; people aren’t as selfish anymore. But people today are more self-centered than ever before!” I completely agree with this statement because I see this as one of my biggest struggles. It’s easy for me to give away my money and my material possessions, but I constantly fight the desires I have to put all the focus and glory and praise and attention on me! How scary: to live life, thinking that I’m being so generous but at the end of the day not giving glory to the One who deserves it ALL, so at the end of the day all of my labor is worthless. This mentality of self-centeredness is what I’m fighting against. This is what I have been given a deeper understanding of and I hope and pray I will never, never stay more focused on myself than my Savoir!!
Oh I pray that my summer never turns into a distant memory but that the reminder of David’s big smile or Billy’s laugh or Leah’s voice reading a story or little Jimmy crying never fades. I pray that my compassion increases and that my heart never hardens!
May this difficult process of being held accountable for all I have seen and heard always bring glory to my Heavenly Father! May my eyes always stay in view of the cross. And may my reliance always be in the Holy Spirit.
All glory to God for showing me more of His creation and giving me a heart to love more of His children!!
A song that speaks Truth and Peace to me in moments of weakness...
Farther Along by Josh Garrels
Farther along we’ll understand why
We’ll understand this, all by and by
Tempted and tried, I wondered why
The good man died, the bad man thrives
And Jesus cries because he loves em’ both
We’re all cast-aways in need of ropes
Hangin’ on by the last threads of our hope
In a house of mirrors full of smoke
Confusing illusions I’ve seen
Where did I go wrong, I sang along
To every chorus of the song
That the devil wrote like a piper at the gates
Leading mice and men down to their fates
But some will courageously escape
The seductive voice with a heart of faith
While walkin’ that line back home
So much more to life than we’ve been told
It’s full of beauty that will unfold
And shine like you struck gold my wayward son
That deadweight burden weighs a ton
Go down into the river and let it run
And wash away all the things you’ve done
Forgiveness alright
Chorus
Still I get hard pressed on every side
Between the rock and a compromise
Like the truth and pack of lies fightin’ for my soul
And I’ve got no place left go
Cause I got changed by what I’ve been shown
More glory than the world has known
Keeps me ramblin’ on
Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall
I’m free to love once and for all
And even when I fall I’ll get back up
For the joy that overflows my cup
Heaven filled me with more than enough
Broke down my levee and my bluff
Let the flood wash me
And one day when the sky rolls back on us
Some rejoice and the others fuss
Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess
That the son of god is forever blessed
His is the kingdom, we’re the guests
So put your voice up to the test
Sing Lord, come soon
Chorus
Vocals, Guitar, Organ, Piano, Dobro, Electric Guitar, and Drum Sequencing by Josh Garrels
BGV by Annalisa Nutt
Accordion and Bass by Jay Kirkpatrick
Electric Guitar 2 by Scott Frantz
No comments:
Post a Comment